Dan enjoys sunshine, Lyme disease, and thinking about
wind. Abandoned shortly after birth, Dan was breast-fed by volunteers and
raised by cartoon characters. He examines restaurant checks very carefully
to ensure he is not charged for baloney sandwiches he did not order.
Dan is looking for a girl exactly like his wife, so that he can raise a family much like the one he already has. His favorite song is "Happy Birthday."
Highlights of Dan's existence include:
JOHN KAYNE: guitar
John is wanted for murder in all 50 states, so please
don't tell. John enjoys yachting, fixing broken yachts, and then yachting
again. He is convinced that Hitler invented the highlighter, and has created
false documents to prove it. John has traveled around the world by mistake,
and uses pants for shirts.
John's ideal date is a romantic candlelit dinner, in which the candles topple over, start a fire, and burn his date to a crisp, the bitch.
John began playing guitar in the womb, when his mother accidentally swallowed a guitar thrown at her mouth by Cat Stevens. John met Dan and Jim in high school when they all reached for the same beer at a party.
Highlights of John's life include:
John's vision of world peace is to kill all bad people
and be King.
JIM WOOD: vocals
Jim has no children but produces semen every day.
He enjoys sunsets, sunspots, sunscreen, and skin cancer. He is extremely
proud of what he might accomplish, given more time and a better attitude.
Jim's overall goal is to wear overalls.
Jim began singing when a bowl of hot lard was poured on his testicles by a blind short order cook. His first composition was "AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH, Hot Lard on My Testicles." Subsequent songs included "Will My Balls Ever Heal" and "Still Painful When I Pee."
Jim met John and Dan in high school, when all three of them were in the same horse costume. They subsequently started a hospital, reigned on Wall Street, bought, fixed up, and sold several islands, and, finally, started a band.
Jim has been kicked out of the band 9 times, but keeps sneaking back in unnoticed. He is so ugly that the audience cannot bear to look at him. He gets around this obstacle by rendering each audience member blind before each performance.
Highlights of Jim's life include:
Jim's vision of world peace is more beer and money
for him.
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